I'd hold your hand.

There comes a time when a friend comes to you for understanding, and you try to say the best thing to make it better, but it's never that easy, you feel so useless not being able to make the pain go away...  

It's always the same confusion, you see the person going down, you try to reach for her... but you just can't get over the shield that is all around. Not many people can say that they have real friends, a real friend is one of those people that talks about himself but doesn't forget to listen to other people as well. We all have problems, we all have issues but still, it's not all about us, to be a real friend is to talk when you have something to say and listen when you have to.

I'm sorry that sometimes i just get caught in my life and for some hours i just can't think about something else... hard to explain the need of being somewhere else.                                                     

No matter the problem, no matter where i am and what i'm doing i'd be there, i'd hold your hand when you need somebody to hold it. The connection i have with you it's something that i'll never have, my sister from different parents...

I'd still hold your hand even when out of anger you will want to push me away, i'd still hold on to you hand and never let go... I know that the feelings that you locked inside of you are consuming you, the pain must be excruciating, i always know that behind that poker face lies a deep pain...

I know i'm not there when the important things happen, i know i'm not there when you need me the most, i'm not there when the pain it's overwhelming, when i need to hold you hand...

You will not jump without me... And as odd as it seams i feel your pain every time you tell me about it, i can even imagine how confusing it must be. It will be okay, in the end...

 

Life is a infinite circle and then we die... it all has to end somehow.

Feel.

So here i am, drinking a cup of tea... i feel so english, it`s like adrenaline rush, i can barely  breathe, i felt dizzy all day.. the reason for this is beyond me.
And.. now i`m waiting on a day that apparently it will never be over, it`s driving me mad!!! Ohh well, i need to get over this time stuff, it`s like i want to pressure it, to be done already, and you want to spend more time with me... time that i can barely have for myself. Wish i could give you that, wish i could just froze the moments when i`m with you, but i can`t, sadly.

But.

I`m happy, i guess.. I can feel again, even though i said that i should not do it again because it might end the same way, but now i just don`t care anymore.. the moment is all i want.
I stopped thinking of the wrong things that could happen and i try to focus on that good things that are already happening.

Yes... to all the good things in my life i smile, because England was the best thing that happened to me in the last few years, but i knew it will change me completely.. I was counting on it to be honest.

I look in the mirror, i see myself so different and it`s not just physical it`s more mental, it`s amazing what the change of air can do to you :).
But my self-esteem is still down, sadly. I know i look good, but i can always do better and that clearly means i will never look good enough for me!


People look at me and i get all sorts of complements.. BUT... when i look at myself in the mirror... i just don`t like what i see, and that`s about it, nothing to change there.. it`s all in my mind!!!!!!!!


O my god, i feel so tired.. mentally tired, i`ve been faking a smile all day, and i still didn`t get it right... how can that be?! 


And now... that my lovely parenting job is done i can finally say... FUCK IT!!!!! I SURVIVED ANOTHER ONE!!! And now i`m ready to start all over again...

The Dream..

So.. What can i say, i`m living the London dream, my dream.

I wished for this to happen so many years and now i`m finally here, but i still have to dream about all the things i want to do... sadly, i still have long way to go!
Sometimes i wish the time could go faster, faster then it`s already going... I have four months in my London dream.

The lovely job, as i am calling it gives me headaches, but sadly it`s the only thing i can do, it`s not even close to what i wanted to do.. dreaming is one thing and real life is another... Time is blocking my vision!

Time is all i`m fighting against, time, the only thing that can make it go really fast would be if i could sleep, i feel i can sleep for ages, my mind is tired, i feel tired from blocking myself from saying what i feel and think..
I`m still asking myself how i`m gonna survive here, here where people like to fuck with your head, here where they like to see a fake smile on you face, here where people don`t even know you, no, but i still have to try...

But under all bad things that happened to me, deep down i`m happy.. i finally have people that like me for who i am, they are not trying to make more different then i am.
I left shitty Romania, because of the people, because of my parents.. i just can`t stand the judgement in their eyes, always expecting more, always wanting more, i felt like on the runway a million eyes watching me.


And i was still doing mistakes..

Now i can finally tell them to fuck off, because now i really don`t give a fuck about it anymore...

I have to end it for the day.. hope is not to boring, the story of my life, the sad thing is that i haven`t written anything in a long time, ahhh well practice makes perfect!