Feel.

So here i am, drinking a cup of tea... i feel so english, it`s like adrenaline rush, i can barely  breathe, i felt dizzy all day.. the reason for this is beyond me.
And.. now i`m waiting on a day that apparently it will never be over, it`s driving me mad!!! Ohh well, i need to get over this time stuff, it`s like i want to pressure it, to be done already, and you want to spend more time with me... time that i can barely have for myself. Wish i could give you that, wish i could just froze the moments when i`m with you, but i can`t, sadly.

But.

I`m happy, i guess.. I can feel again, even though i said that i should not do it again because it might end the same way, but now i just don`t care anymore.. the moment is all i want.
I stopped thinking of the wrong things that could happen and i try to focus on that good things that are already happening.

Yes... to all the good things in my life i smile, because England was the best thing that happened to me in the last few years, but i knew it will change me completely.. I was counting on it to be honest.

I look in the mirror, i see myself so different and it`s not just physical it`s more mental, it`s amazing what the change of air can do to you :).
But my self-esteem is still down, sadly. I know i look good, but i can always do better and that clearly means i will never look good enough for me!


People look at me and i get all sorts of complements.. BUT... when i look at myself in the mirror... i just don`t like what i see, and that`s about it, nothing to change there.. it`s all in my mind!!!!!!!!


O my god, i feel so tired.. mentally tired, i`ve been faking a smile all day, and i still didn`t get it right... how can that be?! 


And now... that my lovely parenting job is done i can finally say... FUCK IT!!!!! I SURVIVED ANOTHER ONE!!! And now i`m ready to start all over again...